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— Help! My Pussy Is Literally On Fire

“Carol” and her rather similar son “Carl” chat with the actual NYC talk-show host Joe Franklin. Too, too sick! Also sent by Miss Understood.

Santa Cruz, CA, is trying to use its many wigs to break into the record books. Twilight Nikki is wearing a wig—because her real hair fell out! Bank robbers love wigs, too: one bandit recently sported dreadlocks, another accessorized with a surgical mask and gloves, and one daring criminal did his hold-up Paris Hilton-style, with a blonde wig and pink pants!

All these stories and more broke on the Help! My Pussy is Literally on Fire Twitter feed—that’s www.twitter.com/helpmypuss. You know what? You should follow us!

This total crack-up was sent to us by Miss Understood!

The kudos keep coming in for living legend Carol Channing, pictured above with two humorously named men, hubby Harry Kullijian and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. This time, the award is not for her singing or acting but for her current work raising money for arts in the public schools. Hooray for art! Hooray for its champion, Carol Channing!

David Orloff (pictured) of Boulder, Colo., was jailed on suspicion of running around all over the place with no clothes on, and could even have to register as a sex offender. Excessive? You be the judge!

He faces a charge of indecent exposure, which could come with a penalty of jail time and a hefty fine. He also could have to register as a sex offender, requiring him to live away from churches and schools.

On Saturday, Orloff told officers that “his nudity did not offend anyone,” according to police. But one neighbor was “very upset about Orloff running naked around his house,” police reported.

The neighbor — who said Orloff wasn’t wearing shoes and described him as “naked as a jay bird” — told officers that children live in the area, and “he would be upset if his wife had to see Orloff running around naked.”

Saturday’s anonymous tip wasn’t the first time in the past week that Boulder police have been called about a man running nude along Folsom.

Above: Carol Channing, Tommy Tune, and others on “The Dean Martin Show”

The Carol Channing news beat has been quiet for a couple weeks, and my heart stopped when someone who didn’t know the difference between Cyd Charisse and Carol told me she had died. But it’s not true—she’s still glowin’, she’s still crowin’, she’s still goin’ strong. And last week she made a special Tony night appearance with leggy Broadway stalwart Tommy Tune. The Los Angeles Daily News was on the scene:

“Did you know that I gave my son – well, he’s known as my son – I gave my spiritual son one of his Tony Awards?” Carol, 87, told me as she held on to Tommy’s arm.

He’s got nine of them, she pointed out.

Gee, where do you put nine Tonys?

“I just moved and I have a mantel in the new place and they link up just exactly right. It just fills it,” Tommy said. “I can’t win any more, otherwise I’d have to move! But I could move.”

Tommy’s many Tonys have come in several different categories, including performing, directing and choreography. And at 69, he’s not through yet.

“I have ideas and I have shows. I got shows I gotta do!” he said dramatically. “I’m directing a new show called `Turn of the Century’ and I hope it will be back on Broadway very soon. We’re trying it out in Chicago in September.”

With the Tony telecast about to begin in a few minutes, I asked Miss Channing about the night that she won her Tony for “Hello, Dolly!” in the mid-1960s.

“When you’re up for an award, you get a case of the willies,” she confessed. “`Dolly’ won for best sets and best orchestration and now they’re not gonna give it to me at the end? You get very nervous about it. You can’t lose or else it will look like everyone else won for the show in spite of me. But I could have lost it, because Barbra Streisand was up at the same time.”

Indeed, Miss Channing beat Streisand, who was nominated that year for “Funny Girl.”

Said Carol: “We don’t mention that whenever she’s anywhere near.”

Reader Heather sends word of nude news from Lebanon, Pa.

(AP) Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty.

Authorities say 31-year-old Shannon Hunter, of Lebanon, Pa., used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from inside a portable toilet.

Police say Hunter had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank.

Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller told WPMT-TV, “I’ve been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first port-a-potty rescue I’ve ever had.”

Police charged Hunter with public drunkenness and creating a health code violation, but they have no idea why he was in the toilet with his clothes off. They say he didn’t suffer any serious injuries.

Something about this story stinks!

The 2008 wig-related crime wave has hit the international scene. A British wigster was arrested in Norway after a customs agent suspected her plus-size ‘do was fake and did some investigating. Taking a peek underneath, the eagle-eyed officer found a kilo of cocaine securely attached to the glamorous mule’s natural hair:

A statement from Norway’s Customs service said: “A customs official thought the woman had a lot of hair and found a kilo of cocaine.

“It happened on Sunday evening. It was a flight from Copenhagen which arrived at 10.40pm.

“The woman and the drugs were later handed to police.”

The woman’s name has not been released.

(“Amy Winehouse,” perhaps?)

Norway’s largest newspaper, Verdens Gang, said the cocaine was glued so firmly to the woman’s real hair that police had to take her to a nearby hospital to have it removed.

Ow!

Peaches Geldof, watch your back—a princess is coming for your party crown!

Fergie’s younger daughter, Princess Eugenie, recently got in trouble at school for doffing her duds and frolicking about campus with a pack of similarly disrobed pals. Showbiz Spy rightly takes royalty for showbiz and thus reports on the boozy Brit:

Young British royal PRINCESS EUGENIE has sparked controversy after she was allegedly caught frolicking nude during a drunken night out in the grounds of her posh boarding school.

The 18-year-old daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, is reported by Britain’s The Sun newspaper to have run riot with her gal pals in the gardens of the $46,000 (GBP23,000)-a-year Marlborough College in Wiltshire, England earlier this month (Jun08).

The teenagers’ antics were discovered after a senior staff member was woken by shrieks coming from the lawns. When the school worker went to investigate, they found a large group of students dancing around naked….

Thank you to reader Heather for the provocative tip!